Finding the Right Therapist as a Late-Identified Autistic Woman

Okay, so the reason I’m the equivalent of a cross-over between an android and a puppy is that I’m autistic. I’m likely traumatized from a lifetime of being autistic and not knowing this about myself and from trying to fit my square peg into the round hole of neuronormativity. I should go to therapy, right? 

Here are some tips and considerations for finding a therapist who understands and supports late-diagnosed autistic women:

1. Look for Neurodiversity-Affirming Professionals

Most therapists are not well-versed in autism, let alone the nuanced experiences of late-identified, high-masking autistic women. While not a guarantee, you’ll find a higher likelihood of symbiotic rhythm with therapists who explicitly describe themselves as neurodiversity-affirming or have experience working with autistic adults. These professionals are more likely to view autism as a natural variation of human experience rather than a deficit or disorder to be "fixed.”

2. Understand Your Needs and Goals

Okay - I know this is super hard - but… Before beginning your search, take time to reflect on what you’re looking for in therapy. Are you seeking strategies for managing sensory overload, support with social interactions, or help processing the emotional impact of a late diagnosis? Being clear about your needs will help you identify therapists who specialize in these areas. I’m considering compiling a list of needs and goals - I’d love to know if this is something you’d be interested in and would find helpful. Shoot me an email and let me know if this is something you’d value!

3. Research and Interview Therapists

I know, I know, I know. But YOU KNOW that finding the right therapist is probably going to take some time and some research. This is particularly painful for late-identified, high-masking autistic women, but HANG IN THERE! You can feel free to make a super detailed spreadsheet if you like - that’s usually my go-to. Let me know if you’d be interested in my spreadsheet for vetting therapists by contacting me!

Start by exploring directories such as Neurodivergent Therapist Directory,‍ ‍Neurodivergent Practitioner Directory,Inclusive Therapists. These are my first choices when looking for a neurodivergent-affirming therapist. If you can’t find someone listed here in your state, you can always try Psychology Today, Therapy Den, or Zencare. Many therapists offer a free consultation, during which you can ask questions such as:

• Have you worked with late-diagnosed autistic women before?

• How do you approach therapy with neurodivergent clients?

• What is your experience with issues like masking, burnout, or sensory sensitivities?

These questions can help you gauge their understanding of autism and their approach to therapy.

4. Seek Therapists Who Understand Gender and Autism

Not shockingly, autistic women often present differently than men due to societal expectations and the pressures to mask traits. It’s important to find a therapist who understands how gender influences the autistic experience and can address concerns like masking, camouflaging, and the toll they take on mental health.

5. Consider Accessibility and Communication Style

Accessibility is a critical factor in choosing a therapist. Do you prefer in-person sessions or virtual appointments? What communication style works best for you? Some autistic individuals find direct communication helpful, while others prefer a gentler approach. Make sure the therapist’s style aligns with your needs.

Pro Tip: You can ask about communication and confrontation style in your consultation!

6. Be Prepared for Trial and Error

I KNOW!!!! You just want to find the right one on the first try and not have to go through the torture of false starts and being misunderstood. But hear me out - finding the right therapist can take time. It’s okay (and maybe even necessary for an autistic woman) to meet with a few professionals before deciding on one. I know this might be hard for you but try to trust your instincts; if something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to move on and keep searching. There is no one right perfect therapist. The therapeutic relationship is deeply personal, and it’s essential to feel safe and understood. While you’re unlikely to feel safe and understood in the first meeting, you should feel like there’s potential to feel safe and understood, even if it will take time to build trust and safety. 

7. Join Support Networks

SERIOUSLY! Connecting with other late-diagnosed autistic women is unbelievably invaluable in its own right. We tend to isolate and be socially avoidant, but research shows that autistic adults feel more understood and have an easier time relating with other autistics! Online communities, social media groups, and local autism organizations can also have recommendations for neurodiversity-affirming therapists. Peers can share their experiences and offer insights into what worked for them.

Check out my resources page for some thoughts on where to start.

8. Advocate for Yourself

You are the expert on your own experience. Read that again, please. Therapy should be the space where you are practicing how to communicate your preferences and boundaries clearly. If a therapist makes you feel badly or shuts you down for doing that - they’re not a good fit for you.  A good therapist will respect your insights and work collaboratively with you to create a supportive therapeutic environment.

9. What if I can’t find an experienced, Neurodivergent, Neurodiversity-affirming therapist with expertise in all the areas I want?

Looking for the right therapist can sometimes feel like hunting for a needle in a haystack… Or a unicorn in a field of cows. If you can’t find someone who is explicitly neurodiversity-affirming or who has had experience with neurodivergent clients, don’t lose heart. You can still get really good care and support from therapists who are willing to be curious, humble, and learn with you. 

Final Thoughts

Therapy can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and growth, especially as you navigate life after a late autism diagnosis. Finding the right therapist takes time and effort, but the benefits of working with someone who truly understands your journey are well worth it. Remember, you’re not alone! There’s a community of late-diagnosed autistic women and professionals. You may not have a lot of experience in being part of a community, but I hope you don’t give up and I hope you keep trying. I can’t tell you what it will be like - you can’t understand until you get there. But I promise, it’s worth it. 

Online Therapy for Late Identified Autistic Women in New York, Massachusetts, and Connecticut

May the Force be with you,

Leanna